Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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