After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
