Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
