A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
