Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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