when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
