i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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