forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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