The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
There are leaves in my underwear?
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