i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize