Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
