If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
