I'm gonna have a badass scar
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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