Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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