Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
