I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
