dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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