There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
We are all done wearing pants today
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
