I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
