I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
