I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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