ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
