If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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