Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
