i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
