how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
