Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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