exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
