Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
