nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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