Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
