The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I don't deserve a penis
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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