so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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