3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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