u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
