Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
