yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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