Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Just cropdusted the office
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
