Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
