Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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