I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
