I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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