fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize