Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
