I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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