you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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