the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
