Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
