saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
