Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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