He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
