Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
