My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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