Pants 0. Shit 1.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
