I must be too annoying 4 u.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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