dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
